Sleepwalking
by J. Merrick
Summary: If he closed his eyes long enough, he could live an entire lifetime. Eleven vignettes of what could have been. 11/Clara.


_**Sleepwalking**__  
a short story by J. Merrick_

Timeline/spoilers: Minimal, if any.  
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who.

_Summary: If he closed his eyes long enough, he could live an entire lifetime. Eleven vignettes of what could have been._

* * *

He fell to the ground as he entered the TARDIS, losing his ability to stand on his own two legs. He had been trying to keep the appearance of normality as much as he could, so as not to scare Clara, but it was just proving to be too hard right now.

He heard her gasp as she rushed to his side and put her small arms around him, her body already shaking with tears. Apparently he hadn't been quite as good at keeping up appearances as he thought.

"It's alright, it's alright," he muttered, rolling over onto his back instead of standing up. That would require too much effort, and these eyes didn't quite want to leave just yet. There were too many things to see still, and they all were right in front of him.

"No it's not," Clara answered back, tears lining her face.

"Hey," he said, bringing his hand up to her face against every burning muscle in his arm not wanting to cooperate, "You know this isn't the end, it'll just be a quick pop and I'll be right back and off we'll go."

His body let out a spasm in pain as if offended by the lie he had just told. He knew that _he_ wouldn't be back; someone else would take his place with his Clara and have all the adventures that he couldn't.

And she knew it.

"But it won't be you," she whispered, her small hands holding onto his as his thumb stroked her cheek, "You'll be gone, and some other bloke will take your place."

"Maybe he'll be ginger," he joked, as he felt his legs twitching – if he could concentrate the pain down there maybe she wouldn't see how much pain he was actually in. She would be able to see right through him, of course, as she had the ability to see him just for what he was.

He looked at her crying face and felt both of his hearts breaking. This face would never again be able to see her, to look at her…to be too scared to tell her what he actually thought.

Hopefully the next guy wasn't such a coward.

"When it happens," he said, the pain seeping through his words as she started to stroke his hair, "You know what to do. You know to stand back, to let it happen. I couldn't never live with myself if something happened to you."

"Of course," she choked out, her voice seemingly not trusting it's own emotions. He looked in her eyes, and in that second he knew himself for the coward that he was.

All the love shining through all the helplessness and sorrow.

"Clara," he began, knowing that if didn't say it now, he never would, "There's something I've been meaning to tell you."

"I know," she whispered, knowing if she actually heard the words she would be completely broken. She smiled at him though, as he closed his eyes, trying to save himself from the pain.

Perhaps if he closed his eyes long enough, he could live an entire lifetime.

X X X

"Come on," she laughed, pulling him along. He had been stopping every time he saw candy, or stuffed animals, or some other trinket out of the corner of his eye.

"Alright, alright," he said, adjusting his bow tie and following her along, "Whose idea was it to come here anyways?"

"I do believe it was yours Mister 'Oh Clara, you know where we should do our first date?'" she retorted, looking at him with a half grin on her face, making fun of him, "Then you mentioned it had been _ages_ since you had been to _this exact one_ and had bounced up and around the TARDIS for ten minutes before you realized that you had actually asked me on a real, proper date."

"Well, this old brain has a good idea every so often," he said, trying to appear slightly offended. Which only served to make her laugh even more, as they took each other's hand and walked further into the park.

"That you do," she replied with a smile, pulling him over to where the map had told her the log ride was, "Makes up for the chin at times."

"Hey," he responded, "You like my chin!"

"It has its uses," she replied with a bit of sauce in her voice, running her finger down it and flicking it off the end. He responded by sticking his tongue out at her.

Later that night as he brought her back to the Maitland's house – it was easy staying in one time period, normally boring, but when he was with the right person… - he spied her looking at him out of the corner of his eye as he talked about how he had been on the first roller coaster.

"What?" he asked, suddenly self-conscious, spinning around with a twirl to make sure he had nothing on himself. She was wearing his coat, normally he would have just covered it up.

"Nothing," she replied with a coy smile, the one that drove him insane, "I had a really fun time tonight, Doctor."

"So did I," he replied, as he walked he up to the door, suddenly going shy, "Still on for Wednesday?"

"Make it Tuesday," she plied with a grin, as they both stood awkwardly looking at each other before she finally made the first move and launched herself into a hug, "Which will be five minutes for you."

"Remember you made me promise," he replied, kissing the top of her head, "No cheating?"

"Think you can handle it?"

"No."

She laughed as she opened the door, knowing that for him he would be returning in five minutes.

"Goodnight," she said, giving him one last, lingering look that he returned all the same.

It was only ten minutes later, while he was trying his best not to cheat that he realized that she had, in fact, kept his coat.

X X X

He looked down at her while they rode in the back of the cab. They were returning from their third date (real, proper date – no aliens, no blasting into the past, no stopping the Daleks from taking over the universe), and she was curled up next to him, her head resting in the crook of his shoulder while he had his arm draped around her.

The entire night he had been feeling an electricity between the two of them that he knew she felt as well. It had been on the tips of every touch, lingering in the spaces between their words, exchanged at every look and shy giggle.

Her eyes were closed right now so he couldn't see the thoughts that she projected out, and how he wished he could. Every time she looked at him he wanted to scoop her into his arms and give her a kiss that muses thought about as they wrote their stories. It was only the third date though, would he be presuming to much?

She was an attractive girl, smart, clever, and fun to be around. He hadn't had these feelings about a person ever since River, and she had been the one to help heal that wound. This was why he was cautious, he didn't want to ruin anything; cause her to tell him that no she didn't need to see him the next day or ever again in fact.

How many others would be waiting for just a chance with the beautiful Clara Oswald?

He heard her sigh next to him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"You're thinking too loudly," she whispered with a grin as the cab pulled up to the Maitland's. He helped her out and paid the cabby, having made sure that he had gone into the past and made an investment with a single dollar so he would have proper money for this time.

The stunning creature before him had wanted to be wooed like a proper Earth girl, and he was going to do that.

They walked in silence up to the door, his jacket once again draped over her shoulders (she had yet to give him his other one back, and Angie had told him she slept with it every night).

He was about to say something, when she suddenly said, "Oh, sod it."

He barely had time to think as she grasped him by the shirt, pulling him down to meet his lips. It took him a second to realize what was happening, before he responded by pulling her in deeper by putting his arms around her.

They broke apart, smiling shy smiles at each other before they heard a small amount of cheering causing them both to look up to see Angie and Artie spying on them.

"Get to bed you two!" Clara spat out, mad that those two had interrupted her moment with the Doctor. She looked down about to apologize when the Doctor pulled her in for a second kiss, this one just as much if not more passionate as the first one.

It was almost as if their first kiss had been an adventure. This one, however, felt more like a promise.

X X X

"Are we really doing this?" she asked, standing with him in the doorway staring straight ahead into the empty room.

"I think we are," he replied, staring straight ahead as well at the empty room of the empty flat.

"Really, really, this will be ours?" she asked, squeezing his hand.

"The moment we tell the owner, yes," he responded, squeezing her hand again.

"And you're okay with this?" she asked again, "I know how much you hate doing 'normal' and 'domestic.' Sharing a home with me goes against all of that."

He turned and looked at her, a smile forming on his face, "I think you're the exception to all my rules."

Her only response was to pull him down for a kiss, a gigantic smile on her face.

"So we're doing it then," she said as they broke apart, "The Doctor and Clara, living in Hammersmith?"

"With a room for the TARDIS in the back," he said with a chuckle.

They were so happy with themselves that they almost forgot to tell the owner they would be buying it.

X X X

He hadn't been home all day, and she knew that she would be getting worried about him. She would know that he didn't have the TARDIS because it was currently parked in their spare room, where it was parked whenever they weren't using it.

Which was quite often, in fact, she enjoyed being able to take a break from her job for a couple weeks and being able to return like nothing had happened at all. Sometimes they would be sitting in their kitchen, eating dinner when they both looked at each other with a grin on their face and sprinted towards the TARDIS.

But that wasn't happening today, he had left before she woke up because he had to drive up to Wales and pick up an old friend that he had called the day before. Hopefully she wouldn't be cross with him, although he had been ignoring his phone.

"So tell me more about her then, Doc," Jack Harkness said with a smile as they walked out of the final store, having found the perfect item, "And when do I get to meet her?"

"Well I already said Jack, she's the one that makes me break all my rules," he replied with a smile, "And you'll meet her soon enough, I promise. You'll just have to promise to behave."

"You wouldn't have asked me to help you with this if you didn't think I could," the ex-Time Agent said with a smile, "Give me a call and let me know how it goes, okay?"

"Of course," the Time Lord responded with a smile as Jack walked back to his own car and the Doctor to his. He had enjoyed his day out with Jack, it had been too long, even though he still felt slightly funny every time he looked at him. He was trying to fix that at least.

The entire drive home he was nervous, knowing that he was probably going to have a very angry Clara waiting for him.

His fears were proven as he entered the door, to see her glaring at him, tapping her foot in anger.

"Well," she said, her eyes burning, "Is there anything you have to say to leaving all day without so much as a call?"

He only responded by getting down on his knee, causing her to gasp as he pulled a small box out of his pocket.

"Would you accept," he began, a confident grin starting to come back onto his face, "Would you marry me?"

Apparently she did.

X X X

He paced back and forth in the waiting room.

Something was wrong.

What was taking so long?

They had gotten to the hospital hours ago. This was supposed to be a happy time, Clara's dad was across from him, Angie and Artie sitting on either side. Jack was coming down, and some of Clara's friends were here too.

Yet, here he was, out here, and not with her.

Something was wrong, he could feel it.

Clara's doctor walked out, and looked at the Doctor.

He felt his heart break as he knew what the look meant.

He had to see Clara, she would be in pain.

He could address his own later.

X X X

They stood next to each other, six months later at the grave. It was the first time they had been able to bring themselves back. The smaller headstone next to the bigger one.

The Doctor found it hard to look at the smaller one, instead choosing to look at the one for Clara's mum. If he ignored the smaller one he wouldn't have to admit the hurt that he felt within him. He had to be strong, be strong for Clara.

"You're thinking loudly," she said, a pained smile coming to both of their faces as she bent over and laid flowers on top of the smaller headstone.

"I'm sorry," he responded, immediately knowing that his statement had more than one meaning.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" she asked, tears at the corners of her eyes.

"If it wasn't for me, this wouldn't have happened," he replied, looking downwards, finally looking at the grave that shouldn't be there yet, "It's my fault. I'm a Time Lord, I should have known, should have been able to see this."

"You stop right now," came the surprisingly angry reaction, as she grabbed his shirt, causing him to look at her, "You do _not_ get to blame yourself for this. These things happen, some things are meant to be, other things aren't."

She paused as the tears started spilling out, continuing, "I need you to be here for me as you, not as who you think I need. I'm drifting and you're so caught up in blaming yourself that you don't even notice."

He grasped her chin and pulled her into a kiss, a kiss of need, of sorrow.

"I'm sorry," he said again, this time with a singular meaning, "I didn't mean to."

He paused as he looked back down at the grave, this time dropping to his knees, her body following his.

"It wasn't meant to be," she said, determined to convince herself.

"It doesn't mean we don't get to weep," he said, finally allowing the tears to come.

X X X

They sat with their legs hanging out the doors of the TARDIS as they watched the galaxy being formed. They were both cuddled up under a blanket, pretending that they were teenagers again and not the adults that their appearance betrayed.

They were sharing a soufflé, laughing as they told each other stories of their past week. It had been a hard year, but they were finally reaching the other side of it. They could walk around their house without memories of what could have been flooding over them.

Clara had even gone back to work, in an attempt to restore normalcy.

Which brought them here, their first trip in the TARDIS since the hardest day of their lives.

"Thank you for this," she said, putting the dish down and curling up into his side.

"It's been too long," he responded, kissing her on her forehead that he for the first time realized was starting to get tiny wrinkles, "The old girl is happy we're using her again."

"Not just the trip," she replied, "Although I'm happy we're making the TARDIS happy. No, thank you for taking the slow path with me."

"It's not a slow path with you Clara," he said after a moment, causing her to look at him, "It's _the_ path, the proper one. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat."

Clara was slightly sheepish that Tuesday when she walked into work. After a year out of practice the Doctor had overshot his landing.

X X X

Clara laughed as they both sat down. The Doctor was continually amazed by how, even approaching 50 years old she still managed to look more beautiful each and every day.

He had taken her to a dance in the 1950s, and the pair had dressed up in the apparel of the time. No one had batted an eye at the Smiths, they appeared, for all intents and purposes, to be a typical non-time traveling couple.

"After all these years your dancing still isn't any better," Clara laughed, smiling at the Doctor, who tried to look offended.

"Do you remember our wedding?" he asked, with a barely constrained smile.

"How could I not?" she retorted with a laugh, "You nearly took off my poor father's head!"

"My limbs have always had an issue staying in control," he replied with a laugh too, before noticing that she had gotten a look on her face, "Something on my face?"

"Have you been letting yourself get older?" she asked, her suspicions confirmed when he adopted a sheepish look on his face.

"Possibly," he replied, raking his hand through his hair as he pulled a banana out of her purse, "I figured you would appreciate it."

"What, a reminder of how old I'm getting?" she replied, letting the Doctor know to choose his next words _very_ carefully.

"No, of how beautiful you still are," he replied, clutching her hand.

"Charmer," she replied, with a smile.

"Only for you," he said with a smile, leaning over and planting a quick kiss on her lips.

"Just don't go too gray," she said after a moment, her finger trailing over his chin, "I don't think you could pull of the silver fox look well."

He responded by sticking his tongue out at her, causing her laughs to cause some of the people near them to glare at them.

X X X

They're walking through a park, holding each others hands as they stroll down the path. He has a lead in his other hand with their dog attached to it. She was too old to travel now, but they were never too old to go on adventures with their dog. It kept them out of the house, going to places all around England.

He was surprised to admit to himself that he didn't mind not traveling through time and space anymore; he didn't think it was possible without Clara by his side. He was happy to keep seeing the wonder in her eyes every day on Earth.

They passed by a young couple that were sitting on a bench, laughing at each others silly antics.

"Remember when that was us?" she asked with a smile, looking up at him.

"It still is," he replied, brushing his ever graying hair out of his eyes as the wind picked up, "Just our bones creak when we do."

She giggled and slapped his arm softly, holding onto it after. She looked up at him, and he leaned down and kissed her.

He wouldn't trade this for the world.

X X X

He's not sure if his vision is getting worse when he sees a young red head running by him while waiting for Clara outside of the Doctor's office. Sure enough, however, the young girl runs by again but this time he gets a better look. Nothing like Amelia Pond, he had been worried for a second.

He took his glasses off and pulled out his sonic screwdriver to give them a quick scan. Just to make sure that they were still working properly.

"Excuse me," came an old voice from next to him, "But is that a sonic screwdriver?"

He whipped around, and saw the older gentleman (who looked quite close to the age he appeared) standing next to him.

"It is, how do you know?" the Doctor replied, warily.

"My grandmum used to tell me about a sonic screwdriver that one of her best friends from back home in England had," the man replied, as the young red head ran up to show her apparent grandfather something she had found before running off again.

"Your…grandmum?" the Doctor asked, searching.

"Amelia Williams," came the reply, "Adopted my Dad, always told me stories growing up about a Mad Man in a Box."

Clara came out about ten minutes later, to see the Doctor in a deep conversation with another older gentleman, talking about grandmum's and glorious coincidences. Later, the Doctor would tell her that it was the fifth happiest day of his life to learn how the Pond's story ended.

X X X

He took her hand, knowing that she was struggling to hold on. In the end, old age had finally caught up to her.

It was okay though, they both knew that it was time even though it was quite painful for him to watch as her path finally came to an end.

"I love you," she whispered, seemingly drained of all her strength. Yet, the love she held for the man in front of her still shown through as brightly as it had on any other day.

"I always will," he replied, tears coming out of his eyes as he watched the life finally leave his beloved companion.

Three hours later he finally looked up from his spot sitting beside her bed.

It was time.

X X X

He opened his eyes and saw Clara staring at him, tears lining her face as she continued to stroke his hair. He reached his hand up to the back of her head to pull her closer, before resting his forehead against hers.

It took but a second, but she understood immediately. His thoughts immediately pushed into hers.

"I love you," he said, pain racking his body, making it hard to speak, "Until the end of time."

"I always will," she replied, echoing the words that had just passed in his mind of the lives they deserved but were to never receive.

"I'll always be there when you close your eyes," he said, losing himself in her eyes, "And I'll always be behind his."

She kissed him on the lips, gently. In goodbye, and in sorrow for the days that they were to miss.

"It's time."

_**Finis**_

* * *

**A/N:** After Matt Smith announced he was leaving a lot of my inspiration for writing decided to run away and hide. This was my way of dealing with all the stories I had in my mind that I couldn't bring to fruition knowing that the 11th Doctor was leaving with. It's rough around the edges, but I'm proud of it.

Thank you for reading, and please review and let me know what you think! Thanks again!


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